Meltdowns, difficult attitudes or arguments for the rest of the afternoon, homework refusal and defiance at home are quite normal after school. These episodes and bad moods are often a result of feeling overwhelmed.
Why?
There’s a reason your child’s teacher says they are an angel at school but all you see is meltdowns and disrupted behaviour when they get home. According to experts, it's both totally common and totally something we can help our children overcome. Here’s what it is and how to use it to help your child as they navigate their way through the emotional rollercoaster of childhood…
It takes a great deal of energy, emotional control, mental motivation and physical restraint to keep ourselves at our best while at work or school. We push ourselves to not be moody, crabby people, where doing so might have serious negative consequences like losing our jobs. How many times during the day do you wish you could just tell someone off or walk away and cry in the toilet? But we don’t – we do what we need to in order to “be good” or keep the peace.
After we’ve done that all day, we get to the point where we just don’t have the energy to keep this restraint, and it feels like a big bubble that needs to burst. For our children, the need to release this tension comes once children get home and they are in their ‘safe place’ where they feel comfortable to release emotions. This release can come in the form of tantrums, erratic behaviour, crying, age regression or be more moodier than usual. It is not unusual for us adults too to be irrational once home with our loved ones after a day at work.
There are several things we can do and change to help our children so it’s a lot easier for them (and you).
What can parents do to help?
RE-CONNECT POSITIVELY
Greet your child with a smile and a hug instead of, “Do you have any homework?” or “I heard you got in trouble today.” Also don’t ask, “How was your day?” No one really wants to answer this question.
CREATE EMOTIONAL SPACE
Give your child time to hear his/her thoughts right after pick-up time. If you are driving, put on the radio and stay quiet. If you are walking, say little or just comment on the nice things you notice: “Did you see that cute little yellow bird?” This isn’t the time for big conversations.
FEED THEM
any children do better if they aren’t asked, “Are you hungry?” Assume that many of your children’s tummies are empty when they get home. Set out food for them without saying anything. Real food like veggie sticks, cut fruit, cheese, or nuts will give them the boost they need. Drinking water can also help re-hydrate.
REDUCE THE HOUSEHOLD CLUTTER AND NOISE
People are actually affected by what is in the space around them – some more so than others. We know mornings can be hectic, but try to leave a fairly tidy house to arrive back home to. You may also consider waking up a bit earlier to put the breakfast/ lunch-making stuff away before leaving for the day. Arriving home after school or work is not a great time to fire up the vacuum!
STAY CONNECTED THROUGHOUT THE DAY
Use an age and personality-appropriate way to stay connected with your child when he or she is away from you during the day. These can be things like little post-it notes in the lunchbox.
PROVIDE DECOMPRESSION TIME ~ DOWN TIME
Depending on the personality of your child, provide a way to decompress at the end of the day. Give your child the lead to start talking when he or she is ready. When that time happens, you can inquire about any emotionally intense moments that may have happened during that day. Provide time to either do nothing/ rest or play out the day in a physical way. Some younger children like to wrestle, run around, or get in a tickle fight. Older ones might like to go for a bike ride or hammer out their energy on an instrument.
PHYSICAL ACTIVITY
Yes your little one might be tired, but sometimes a short sharp blast of physical activity is all they need to get it out of their system and feel at peace once more. Encourage them to jump up and down on the trampoline (or bed!) for 10 minutes, or perhaps take the dog for a walk around the block or ride their bike home from school. Physical activity can help to ground them and release any pent up energies in a focused way rather than them losing control in a way which is potentially damaging to you or your home!
HAVE FUN
Finding a way to act silly and have fun with your child (even the older teenage ones) is a really lovely way of reconnecting and helping to guide them through after school difficulties. “Laughter releases the same tension as tears.” and having fun is a great way to release tension from the day. Act daft, laugh lots and encourage silly behaviour to reconnect and readjust.
DISCONNECT TO CONNECT
Ideally, try to forget emails, mobile phones and errands for the first fifteen to twenty minutes when your child returns from school. This is a great time to be together. Make a deliberate effort to listen to what your child has to say about school and any news, stories, jokes or “you’ll never guess what!” moments. Children love to know they have your full attention and it’s very reassuring that although you were separated, now you are reconnecting.
EAT TOGETHER
Plan to have something to eat together even if just a small snack after time away is a great way to slow down and spend time together.
BEDTIME ROUTINE
Protect bedtime and bed time routines to make sure your child is getting plenty of attention and care from you as they prepare to go to sleep. While it is tempting to rush through the bed time routine, a frazzled bed time routine is like an invitation for a stored up meltdown. Aim to slow down, work with your child as they get ready for the end of the day. These ordinary tasks like getting into pyjamas, brushing teeth and talking is the ideal time to bond and end the day on a positive note.
What happens if ‘meltdowns’ happen?
Remember that your child is using a whole lot of energy to stay attentive and learn at school. Keeping things together takes a lot of effort. If your child is coming home and losing it on you, you haven’t failed. On the contrary, your child is trusting you to be their safe landing space.
Somethings to try in the middle of a meltdown
1. Stay close and listen to the tears (without trying to fix behaviours or feelings)
2. Give your child space (you will know if your child prefers option 1 or 2 with time) 3. Offer hugs or a favourite stuffed animal for comfort
4. Just let the storm pass (rushing someone through their tears never speeds things up)
5. When your child is ready, accept their feelings and listen with empathy and care 6. Breathe and remember these big feelings belong to your child.